The Right Choice

Prologue
The decision hung above his head like a bomb ready to drop on his head. He thought both of them were... just fiine, really. J was an accomplished singer, a quiet, industrious and pleasant girl who was obviously his parents pick. The other one - S, was a pretty, bubbly, enthusiastic  girl and was friendly and pleasant. How was he supposed to choose? " Go with your gut" advised his friend and resident grandmother Ira. But he didnt know how to think with his gut, heart and other body parts.  He could only think with his head and the only thing his head repeatedly told him was that The Great Indian Arranged Marriage Process was completely flawed and it had no idea how to rank two seemingly reasonable women and pick one as a partner for life.

 1.
He was happily married. Rather, he was married and his parents were happy.  More than happy, in fact, for he had chosen J. She would make a great daughter-in-law, gushed his mother clearly oblivious to what was going to happen in just a couple of months.  J's quiet industriousness hid behind it a steel-like stubbornness which would grate on his parents, especially his mom. But he had no problem with it-He saw it as independence. He liked strong women- "at any rate it was better than hanging around with a clingy needy crybaby" he thought to himself.  They gave each other space, she pursued her interests while he found time for the love of his life- squash. With time, their marriage became happier and his parents became more and more unhappy with their daughter-in-law.
**
He was happily married. He didnt know what those words meant, but he assumed it was what he felt. She was friendly, sociable and charming- he was charmed. Whats more, she charmed his parents too. The same parents who hadnt been taken in by her profile and horoscope were soo taken in by her person. While she got on really well with everyone, she placed an unreasonable demand on him to return the favour. She was highly dependent on him emotionally and always wanted him to be aorund. But he had no problem with it- As long as she gets along well with everyone and doesnt fight, he thought to himself, there is no harm in humouring her with my time. They grew closer because she left him with no choice, but they were very happy together as well.

2.
He was getting annoyed with J's way of dealing with money. Fine, he had no problem with being economical but there was fine line between economical and miserly and J was treading the line, inclining towards miserliness. He didnt understand it, its not like they didnt have enough. Both were earning well enough, they had no other commitments - what was wrong with a little fine dining now and then? Why did they always have to eat healthy food at home? " Are you going to build a palace with all this money you are going to be saving? " he asked her in half-jest one day. She looked at him dead seriously and sent " Not a palace. But at least a three bedroom apartment with spacious balconies. And you know property prices these days".  While he had always assumed he would buy a house, a vehicle and all that it rankled a bit twhen he realised that he was a  grown up. He missed his youth. He looked wistfully at the carefree couple on the road sharing their ice-cream and wondered why he couldnt be like them.
**
He was annoyed with S's way of dealing with money. Actually "dealing with money" is a very generous expression for what she was doing which was closer to simply throwing it away.  He didnt understand it- how much did she think he was earning? And while it was OK to eat out once in a while, what wa sthe need to do it all the time? Wasnt it also unhealthy? he wondered as they walked back home eating the expensive ice-cream she bought. Still, he didnt dare to say anything to her about how he thought maybe  they should start saving some money if they ever thought they should buy a house or settle down in the traditional sense. As he was thinking about this S chirped " Hey, we should go to Thailand this year for your annual vacations". He looked at her in disbelief and   wondered if now was the right time to explain the concept of savings to her.

3.

Her economy with money notwithstanding, his life with her was peaceful. They never fought much- they were both too logical for shouting matches. But she more than made up for it by being stubborn with his mom. When they did buy that new house, in a surprisingly short time, she squarely ignored her mother-in-law's instructions about moving in at an auspicious time and jsut chose a time that was convenient for both of them. His mom was happy on winning the unsaid contest she was having with her peers as to whose kids would buy a large house first. Despite acquiring bragging rights, she was so pissed that she refused to come to his house until the requisite poojas were completed. While  he didnt believe in all these superstitions, he wished J was a  bit more tolerant and less rebellious, for he relished peace much more than he valued rationality. But like most problems, it got sorted with time. Whats more- he loved the house.  Sitting in the big balcony  on Saturday mornings, sipping tea, it did seem like all was right with the world.

**
S was always all about new places, new experiences. And life was always a roller coaster with her around. She took him on wild emotional rides, screaming one moment, hugging him the next- he had no idea what to expect. She wanted to see the world, and he had no option but to tag along. He knew buying a house was a distant dream.  He did love their trips, too- who wouldnt enjoy seeing cheetahs up close or sippimg cocktails in Thailand? Whose minds wouldnt be broadened meeting with locals in Philippines? His parents didnt seem to mind that while their peers kids were doing the right things and buying houses, she was taking them along on a South East Asia trip. As he watched the multicolored sunset from their beach bungalow in Borocay,  the voices of his mom and S discussiing some obscure thing in the background, it did seem like all was right with the world.


4.

J wasnt pretty, he knew that. Neither was he ever considered goodlooking.  And had no problems with it, for he knew there were far more important things that mattered. Like actually mattered. And in all those things she scored incredibly high. Nobody is perfect, but in things that were significant, he thought she was.

**
He kept staring at S as she was trying to pick the perfect necklace from the flea market. How he got married to someone so beyond his league, he would never know. While she had her flaws,(well, didnt everyone) she showed him the world, helping him discover who he was. And he wouldnt be the person he was, without her. In that sense, she created him.

Epilogue.
Few days later he met his friend M for a quick lunch. M was most curious to know how his first year of marriage had been and if it was the type of "happily ever after" they showed in movies. "Well, its obviously not  happily ever after "  he told his friend with a shrug " But its great. I wouldnt change a single thing".


PS: This is obviously inspired Lionel Shrivers The post birthday world, where she deals with in great detail, the eternal dilemma- Do you choose Mr Reliable or Mr Exciting?.  This is just my poor take on the whole thing. And while it might seem like a gen boring story, it brings to light one trick the mind uses called "Rationalisation" to justify our decisions after we have taken them. The protagonist thinks his life is perfect, because he is not thinking about the other parallel universes. And if he stopped to think and analyse about every parallel universe, some of them undeniably better than the present one, he would most definitely go mad.

PPS: J can be considered staid and sometimes boring just like Lawrence was, in the book. The justification the author gave was that while it seems that he is a bit rigid and boring from the outside, it is the kind of thing that love usually becomes when it lasts. It might be boring for someone reading about the couple, but for the couple themselves its just nice and peaceful.

Living in the moment

All of us have heard of "seize the day" "live in the moment" and other catchphrases without having any idea of how to put them into practice. How can you seize today when you are worrying about your tests tomorrow? How can you live in the moment when you are dreading that next moment is going to be filled with anxiety because of a presentation in office?

There is a story in Upanishads of a hunter who is sitting on  a tree trying to hunt a deer and sees a snake slithering towards him. When he looks down to jump to escape the snake he sees a crocodile waiting by the side of the tree. Facing certain death, the hunter looks up, and at that moment a drop of honey from a hive on a branch above him falls into his mouth. As he savours the sweetness of that drop, he experiences pure happiness.

This story was stuck in my head for a while now-just lounging there in one corner of my head without really achieving anything. And unexpectedly,  today evening I understood what it was like to be the hunter.

For the last few days I had been obsessing about Rolf Potts- his writing style, the kind of travel he promotes and his general awesomeness. I have read all his articles, seen most of his videos and all of his interviews so thoroughly that it got to the point where I could predict the answers he was going to give. And in every article of his, I always find at least one line that makes me go " Yes! Wooow, you are amazing". I thought I had read all the stuff he had ever published.

Today evening I had a meeting I wasnt looking forward to at all. I had to go through it because it had to be done but that didnt make me stop being grumpy about it. I reached the venue earlier -it was a wonderful coffee shop-one that I would have loved to spend time in  if the context was different. As I sat thinking about my upcoming meeting it was impossible not to let the niceness of the place wash over me. I knew there was about fifteen minutes for the meeting to begin. I ordered something nice and on a whim opened the twitter account of Rolf Potts.  As I sat sipping hot chocolate and reading some brilliant RP tweets, I knew what the hunter experienced.

Unfortunately, I also knew how the hunter felt while being devoured by the snake afterwards.

Anthropologist from Mars

If you are an anthropologist from Mars (yes, I am quite deluded about the reach of this blog) and you want to understand how Indian society has evolved in terms of mindsets, just watch the most popular movies of the decade.

Parents of friends have pointed to the different iconic movies. For example the madhubala song "jab pyaar kiya to darna kya" encouraged people to be brave about being in love. The tamil movie "kalyana parisu" in the late 60s was the first one where the heroine marries someone else after an unrequited love affair with the hero. Until then any female who was in love but didnt get to marry the hero usually died or became a nun. But as movies started showing that its alright for women to move on, I assume society started accepting it too. 

It works both ways- Movie makers put reasonably fresh societal opinions which will get accepted by the masses but they also strongly prompt a change in mindset. Especially influential heroes have the power to make a whole bunch of poeple change from being backward assholes to progressive members of society. Some of them use this power wisely- Aamir for example has made movies about generally not-talked about stuff like depression, dyslexia - all of which helps people become more accepting towards the off-beat characters of society. 

However the supposedly popular heroes SRK, Salman and in Tamil heroes like Vijay and Rajinikanth always seek to pander to already existing mindsets regardless of how retro they are, SRK has no respect for women and treats him as nothing more than objects, I am not going to get my blood to boiling point by talking about Salman. Our regional movies are no different- they are worse. There is no Rajini movie where the heroine isnt a saree-clad generally patient homely sweet submissive girl. Sathmeekam, as he himself charmingly calls it. Women in top positions in company can be nothing but arrogant ruthless monsters wearing Western clothes. They are not the ones to fall in love with-they are the ones who need to be put in their place ( Which is usually in the kitchen, in a saree). 

Vijay movies are quite the same. If he heroine wears Western clothes, it means he has the right to stalk her relentlessly, give her lecture about how precious her feminityand  virginity is and in general behave as if she is his property- therefore can choose to do with her whatever he pleases, yet, doesnt do it because he is the epitome of chivalry. There is no indication of the fact that anyone in the movie knows that the heroine is a separate human being with her rights and while our tamil culture upholding hero might not agree with her lifestyle, he has no right to impose his beliefs on her. The heroine dutifully falls for him after his relentless stalking culminates in him saving her from villians and promptly exchanges her knee-showing western clothes for waist-showing sarees and half-sarees.

I am not denying that its infinitely easier to do this. To pick the sweet homely Diana Penty over the party-hard independent Deepika. But when you are put in a position of infinite power, the power to shape the way an entire state thinks. when you can have the satisfaction of realising that you have brought society forward by just an inch, what sort of idiot would choose to maintain the status quo?

I wish our movie makers werent so lazy. 

Yes, thats me asking someone not to be lazy. Huh, OK. I will leave.  

How to be Awesome.

Why does self-help always get such a bad rap? Why are people so eager to proclaim that they dont read self-help books or that they have only used "How to win friends and infleunce people" as a paperweight? Its like a status thing- like the anti-apple. You portray that you are this kind of a person by vehemently denying any association with something. I can understand when mega serials, astrology and some weird thing like udayanidi stalin get this kind of a reaction. But to cast self-help books in the same category as megaserials is baffling.

I would understand this if people picked certain self-help guys and said " Oh that guy is terrible, i will never read any of his books" but too many people proclaim "Oh, self-help books are terrible I would never read them" . Maybe some say that because they are too bored to read and know that they wouldnt implement them anyway, but the tones of a lot of people indicate that they dont need a self help book, because they have really got everything they need.

Yes, I assume these people are born leaders, friendly yet stern when required, never procrastinate, never hold grudges, are extremely disciplined and organised , have never watched a single SRK movie in their lives-you know perfect human beings. Yet I find that hard to believe. The same is true of people who never admit to a single error of judgement in the past. Whats more likely-being so perfect that no mistake was made or being so deluded that you continue believing its right?

(And scarily enough, same is true of people who seek therapists assistance in order to help themselves. The amount of stigma attached to it is saddening as much as it is mind boggling. Why would you judge someone who goes to a doctor to feel better? Why is it such a  bad thing to admit that you are not in the best of places mentally and you want that to change? Why do we insist on calling these people pejoratives when there is no clear reason for us to ? Depression is as much a clinical condition as cancer. While cancer is seen as intervention of fate, depression is somehow considered the victim's fault)

I love self-help books. I might not follow most of the things I read but I love to read about it and imagine doing those things. if nothing it helps remind me that there is a huge scope for improvement in my life. I consider reading blogs of unconventional non-conformists in the category of self-help because I feel so thrilled and motivated and inspired when I read those.

Here..The Art of Non Conformity. Help yourself. 

Corpospeak

Yes, its serious discussion time. As it has always been on this blog. What? You had a feeling this wasnt a place for serious things? oh, whatever gave you that impression! Unbate your breath- The topic of discussion today is as serious as it gets- Career. Yes, you heard that right. I am talking about career. (What? No, I didnt hit my head or anything)

So I watched the last lecture by Randy Pausch and was touched (amongst other things) by the fact that he loved what he did for a living. And it shone through his speech. Wow, I wish I was that passionate about selling lightbulbs, I thought to myself. haha,you got me, no i didnt think that. I instead thought "oh god my life is a waste what am i doing oh shit i am going to die and the only thing that remains by way of legacy is... NOTHING oh shit oh shit" and so on. But after the waves in my brain had settled down a bit the question meekly resurfaced. " What is it that you should be doing, as a career"

I distilled the wealth of blogs and articles I read and came to these few points: What you love, your hobby, that which makes you feel like you arent working (Translates to you dont crib on monday morning and you arent depressed sunday night), that which makes a difference to other people's lives significantly in a positive way.

Of these, the last point was the easiest- Pretty much every decent job affects others positively- you arent a waitress- you bring coffee to many people before they get to work. And to realise how important that is, just meet them on a  morning they have been denied coffee. You arent simply laying bricks on a road- You are enabling trading and industry and so on.So pretty much anything that doesnt involve murder or drug dealing you can put a positive spin on. The only group which escaped this is the finance industry- Seriously, what DO you guys do?. But then, why are so few waitresses happy with their work despite knowing that they are so important in the grand scale of things? I have  a theory that you think your contribution is significant only if you bring your personal touch to the work you do. If there is just one way of pouring coffee or laying bricks and you come to teh conclusion that anyone can replace you tomorrow, you will be unhappy with your work. WHich is why I presume professors and researchers are the happiest- they are irreplacable. They might be wrong but they are wrong in a way only they can be.

So, that leaves us with the harder bits. How do you figure out what you do? Some people are extremely lucky to have their talents jump at them at a very young age. They know that they want to be a painter, a pilot, a car mechanic- whatever. The majority of us have to figure out what we want to do with absolutely no or little clue about our talents, abilities,likes and dislikes. As if these problemes werent enough our fickle minds decide midway that "Hmm.. you know this seemed like a reallly good idea a few years back, but now.. THIS SUCKS! I want OUT!" So most of us stumble through life miserably, waiting for weekends like prisoners waiting for their weekly conjugal visits, and are released when we are too old to do anything. We try hobbies, vacations, and other things that clearly target the symptoms and leave the root causes intact.
<Why cant we change our career when we feel like? Society (that nasty bitch!) dictates that you ought to have a stable job, you ought to get these promotions at these times, you ought to switch jobs after a point so that your valuation goes up without giving two hoots about how happy you are. But society also keeps quiet when masses are murdered, when there is injustice all around us so she really really doesnt know what she is talking about. And this is a recurring theme in this blog- You always have to pick yourself over society, you have to pick desires over fear and you have to pick uncertain and interesting over certainly mundane. So, now that the mandatory society bitching is done, we can
get back to the point. >

If you have bothered to listen to other people and what they tell you- particularly those who arent scared of you, you should have a very good idea of what you are good at and what you arent. And pick a career choice based on that.
So I thought hard about all the feedback I have received in my life: And here are the things I am exceptionally good at
1) Being sarcastic
2) Being lazy
3) Being mean to people who are stupid ( or those who dont agree with me-SAME THING BITCHES)
And here are the things which are areas of improvement ( Corpo-speak for "You suck at these things")
1) People skills
2) Negotiation skills
3) Discipline
4) Being organised and smart
5) Decision making
6) Networking
Etc
So after analysing my strengths and weaknesses I have come to the conclusion that I should become a host for News Night on Times now. . SIGH! Apparently thats already taken!

Seriously though ( yes guys, I wasnt kidding when I said this is a serious post) I tried and tried to come up with a role that would fit my personality. There is just nothing feasible. So like a prisoner who decides to make the best of his conjugal visits ( pardon my analogy) I have decided to work on my hobbies, my vacations ( which will henceforth be referred to as travels to give the impression of it being less frivolous and more educated. In other words- more history, less drinking).

And in the footsteps of the past me that has declared the same thing multiple times and failed miserably most times and less miserably other times, I have decided to work harder on my blog. Fret not, dear readers! All your miseries shall end, for, I have decided to update this blog EVERYDAY. Yes, you heard that right- EVERYDAY. Like a dose of morning coffee that gives you nausea, like an early morning jog in a park filled with dog shit, this blog will be a part of your daily routine in ways you never thought possible ( and didnt really want, honestly)

But wait, this was supposed to be a career post no? YOU !!*angrily shakes fist at ADHD* 

Where did the weekend go?

"When you are eighty, it seems like you have breakfast every five minutes" said some old guy (I think) 

You must agree that time is flying faster as you grow older. Ever remember thinking "wow where did all thse months go" while you were in school? Now it seems as if you just got used to writing 2014 in cheque books and its already time to start changing to 2015. What has changed from then? You still have 12 months every year. and 7 days every week. Why do some of these days whiz past with no trace of them ever having been there? 

The answer lies in one word: Memories. 

When you were young, you were doing new things and you were making memories. And the days seemed longer. As you have grown older, without memories to mark your time, it seems like its all one big blur. You will be able to attest to this with your own weekdays. They remain indistinguishable from one another-your brain doesnt think it worthy enough to secure a space. 

In contrast, think of your vacations-If you have done different things on holiday, you can vouch for the fact that on a Friday, your Monday looks soo far behind, suuch a loong time back and quite a distance away new things done and  the new memories accumulated have occupied a substantial space in your brain. And by definition, the more memories you accumulate in your mental drawer, the longer the time seems. 

There, your simple way to stop time whoosh past you. Stop. Do new things. Do things that are rememberable. Until the lab coats figure out how to transfer your brain to a computer so you can immortalise yourself, this is the only possible way of extending your life. 

Face your fears while traveling. Literally

"Oh my god oh my god oh my gooood Geeee" I clutched G's hand in utter panic as I saw my nemesis just a few feet ahead of me. I was in Plitvice, dammit, supposedly one of the most beautiful places in the world.  I was not prepared for this. I had not traveled halfway across the world to unexpectedly stumble upon the one for whom I had harboured a deep mix of fear, hatred and revulsion for as long as I can remember.

The snail, for its part stared insipidly, presumably unmindful of the stuttering panicking creature a few feet away.

Yes, all that drama was for a snail.Amongst my earliest memories is one of me running inside my house in abject fear of a snail that had found its way to our house. Wherefrom I developed this fear is not entirely clear- though some investigations point to my very elder-sisterly elder sister who, possibly used fear to establish her authority over me. And to this day I remain extremely disgusted and repulsed, and scared even though the rational part of my brain knows that its irrational. And this fear is so deeprooted that I involuntarily wince and flinch when I am unexpectedly shown a picture of a snail.

I explained all this to G while carefully walking on the road, my hypersensitive brain detecting more snails in the foliage on the side of the road. G was understanding but baffled at my apparent preference to get killed by walking on the road rather than step on the sidewalk. We managed to reach the guesthouse where we were planning to stay the night, to wake up early next morning to go to the National park.

There was nothing to do except sit in the room as it was raining outside ( which was what brought the wretched creatures out in the first place) so I spent the evening contemplating if I had let these nondescript molluscs ruin what was possibly the prettiest place I would see the whole of the trip. ( For those who do not have an irrational fear of things (curd, cheese, cows, whatever) you would never understand this post. Also, you are incredibly lucky. What the rest of us experience when we see the objects of our fear cannot be really explained in words- Imagine a cyst or a tumor in your body filled with hair and teeth. Imagine touching that with your bare hands. You are able to fathom some disgust level? Good. Multiply that by 1000). I could imagine my mom mocking me and imagine my friends laughing about this misadventure. Thats when I decided that I wouldnt let it happen. I would try and ignore them. Lets see what happens.

Next morning, I wore two pairs of socks- I dont know how that extra layer was supposed to protect me- Rationality in the presence of snails has never been my forte . As soon as we entered, it was clear that the park was mercifully free of snails.  Soon after, we had to cross a brilliantly underhyped "flooded trail". The water was ankle-deep so the rational thing to do was to remove shoes and walk. But I wasnt having any of the rational nonsense that day. Sure, the park was 8km away from the snail colony we had seen, but hell, animals have crossed seas and colonised islands. Given infinite time, 8km  was nothing for a particularly determined snail. No, I would walk the flooded trail with my shoes and two pairs of socks. We finished it without incident and I forgot about it.

The next day, we were exploring some small towns and G spotted a bush which she thought was lavender, pulled a small leaf and invited me to smell it. I calmly stepped back and told G " I am not coming any closer, there is a snail there" ( of course, g hadnt seen it.) I was overjoyed. I hadnt flinched, jumped or panicked. Maybe I had overcome my snail fear!

Yes! Yes! YES!!

A week after  the trip I was at home watching cartoons with my one year old niece and a new cartoon called "Dreams of speed" started. As soon as the protagonist came on screen, I screeched, winced and closed my eyes.  I realised that my fear was still intact. So much for my rejoicing.

As they say.. Whatever happens in Croatia, stays in Croatia, unfortunately!