I am a serial procrastinator. I am not proud of it, but I have to admit it, if not to the general public atleast to this blog. The things I dont want to do, I understand putting them off. They are annoying, a waste of time and generally a pain to deal with. Everybody has those- tax returns, paying bills etc.
But what I dont get is the inclination to put off things I really want to do. I really want to learn Italian, Duolingo is right in front of me- Why do I choose to aimlessly refresh my Gmail and read the last two mails, instead? I want to clean my room, i love the feeling of having cleaned it, the thought of cleaning does not really discomfort me- why do i lie there like an insipid stone whiling away the entire afternoon?
I really want to apply for jobs- the portals are in front of me- why do i put it off? What is this fear that is lurking deep in my mind that prevents me from doing not only the things I ought to do, but also things I enjoy doing, and things I need to do to be happy? Is it fear of failure?A fear that a job done badly is much much worse than the one that is not started at all? Perhaps then I can attribute the failure to the fact that I didnt start it anWyd therefore there is no way I could have got it. The alternative is too horrifying- imagine applying everywhere and still not having a job- imagine the humiliation, the depression it will bring about, imagine all the pain. It is like holding on to the float boat and refusing to learn swimming for fear of drowning.
How do I then convince myself that doing something is better than not doing it? For a annoying trivial tasks I try and follow a very nice line I read somewhere " procrastinating doesnt make it go away. doing it makes it go away". But I dont really follow this. I cant imagine the amount of money I have lost purely because I was late in booking teh flight tickets even though my plan was firmly fixed. And i would end up paying the highest amount to book flights in the last minute. This behaviour of mine baffles me as much as my friends- its as if i have a hatred for money and wish to waste it away as much as possible and not gain anything in return. I have tried and tried to analyse this behaviour- constantly putting off something knowing fully well taht it is going to cost me. Its like a form of slow mental self destruction that I am unable to control. I try and practise discipline and it works but my natural tendency is to not do it until my ass is on fire.
The worst part is that when i do end up doing the cleaning or the italian learning I feel so happy I wonder why I was putting it off in the first place.
Take for example,this blog. For many years I have told myself that writing regularly would help shape my thoughts and help me become a better writer, but for all the initial paragraphs i frame in my head, possibly one hundredth find their way as a full post on this blog. I have no fears of failure when it comes to this blog and I genuinely enjoy writing and do believe it improves me significantly and yet this blog is amongst the top representatives of my procrastination. It is as if i have evolved to live in an extremely resource-constrained world that i need to avoid anything that is not crucial to my survival.
Now that I have documented it, let me see if it makes any difference.If it doesnt, well -atleast a blog post was written. And it wasn't even the one i had half-framed in my head.
But what I dont get is the inclination to put off things I really want to do. I really want to learn Italian, Duolingo is right in front of me- Why do I choose to aimlessly refresh my Gmail and read the last two mails, instead? I want to clean my room, i love the feeling of having cleaned it, the thought of cleaning does not really discomfort me- why do i lie there like an insipid stone whiling away the entire afternoon?
I really want to apply for jobs- the portals are in front of me- why do i put it off? What is this fear that is lurking deep in my mind that prevents me from doing not only the things I ought to do, but also things I enjoy doing, and things I need to do to be happy? Is it fear of failure?A fear that a job done badly is much much worse than the one that is not started at all? Perhaps then I can attribute the failure to the fact that I didnt start it anWyd therefore there is no way I could have got it. The alternative is too horrifying- imagine applying everywhere and still not having a job- imagine the humiliation, the depression it will bring about, imagine all the pain. It is like holding on to the float boat and refusing to learn swimming for fear of drowning.
How do I then convince myself that doing something is better than not doing it? For a annoying trivial tasks I try and follow a very nice line I read somewhere " procrastinating doesnt make it go away. doing it makes it go away". But I dont really follow this. I cant imagine the amount of money I have lost purely because I was late in booking teh flight tickets even though my plan was firmly fixed. And i would end up paying the highest amount to book flights in the last minute. This behaviour of mine baffles me as much as my friends- its as if i have a hatred for money and wish to waste it away as much as possible and not gain anything in return. I have tried and tried to analyse this behaviour- constantly putting off something knowing fully well taht it is going to cost me. Its like a form of slow mental self destruction that I am unable to control. I try and practise discipline and it works but my natural tendency is to not do it until my ass is on fire.
The worst part is that when i do end up doing the cleaning or the italian learning I feel so happy I wonder why I was putting it off in the first place.
Take for example,this blog. For many years I have told myself that writing regularly would help shape my thoughts and help me become a better writer, but for all the initial paragraphs i frame in my head, possibly one hundredth find their way as a full post on this blog. I have no fears of failure when it comes to this blog and I genuinely enjoy writing and do believe it improves me significantly and yet this blog is amongst the top representatives of my procrastination. It is as if i have evolved to live in an extremely resource-constrained world that i need to avoid anything that is not crucial to my survival.
Now that I have documented it, let me see if it makes any difference.If it doesnt, well -atleast a blog post was written. And it wasn't even the one i had half-framed in my head.
